“I was fired and clearing out my locker when I saw thousands of the furry beasts gather,” said Ronny Brannen of Pahaska. “Getting rid of workers couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Have you ever tried to drive a golf cart through a buffalo herd?”
Rangers have reported that the bison appear well-fed and unusually calm. Larger Alpha males and females are standing shoulder to shoulder on their haunches, exchanging glances and snorts. Some were photographed cradling cardboard placards scrawled in Magic Marker, which, while unreadable, have fueled concerns that some bison may now be literate.
“We’ve seen bison gather near the entrances before, but never like this,” observed Yellowstone wildlife epidemiologist Dr. Bruce Lohsis while watching the restless animals through his binoculars.
Academics are scrambling to understand the cause of the peaceful protest.
“A leadership structure is emerging from among the intelligible grunters. Yellowstone bison may be unionizing,” speculated University of Wyoming political science professor Avery Matthews. “The most disturbing hypothesis is that the bison sense the impending park closure, which means no tourists to gore and toss around.”
Adding to the tension, the few remaining Park Service workers report that elk, moose, and wolves are retreating from the backcountry and joining their ungulate friends.
“What if they’re trying to keep us out for a reason?” wondered Park Ranger Willie Winston, staring wide-eyed at the bison blockade. “Tomorrow’s my last day, but I feel like I need to stay here and help figure out what the bison know that we don’t.”
Conspiracy theorists have speculated about everything from an imminent supervolcano eruption to a long-overdue wildlife uprising.
For now, Yellowstone remains inaccessible, and authorities are unsure what to do since it’s clear the bison are willing to occupy it until the cows come home.
Some have suggested negotiating with the bison, but others fear such talks could lead to the realization that humans are not at the top of the food chain.
Until more is known, senior Department of the Interior officials urge the public to stay calm, hang out in Cody, and spend their tax refunds there before the tariff on T-shirts from China goes into effect.
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